Sunday, November 15, 2009
Happy 1 month Heavenly Birthday Grace
My sweet baby was in my arms one month ago today. The other night I had a dream and everyone in my dream was worried about me and I kept telling them it was ok and that I was fine. I didn't enter the dream physically until right at the end of the dream and sure enough, I was fine. I was on a ridge far above the people in my dream who were worried about me, and I was fine. There I was twirling and dancing as the sun was set behind me and when I turned around there I was holding my beautiful perfect baby, Grace. She was so sweet in my arms as I spun her round and round. And as I started to awake, tossing and turning, I held the blanket I sleep with every night wrapping the rabbit Bobby bought her last Easter, before all this began. I was soon awake with my eyes still shut, which happens for hours every night, but I clutched the blanket and rabbit and felt the weight she was the exact way she felt when I held her in my arms. Nothing will ever erase that from my memory. Nothing. I will always have my precious moments with my sweet Grace. Bobby also dreamt about her that night. We are coming closer and closer in our relationship with each other and God through all of this. It has been only a month but it feels like just yesterday. Among all this chaos of one thing I am sure, we are blessed.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Luminaries
Last night Bobby and I went to our first bereavement group. It was at the hospital where we delivered Grace, of course, I was excited to be there. Is it strange that I get the same feeling when I go there that I get when I go to the place Bobby and I got married? I wasn’t sure about going, evening is the hardest time of day for me and November 2nd was the day Grace was going to be induced. You may remember I was hoping for a November 4th delivery, my birthday. None of that happened and now we are going to grief class.
I didn't know what to expect walking in and was slightly taken back when in the hallway outside the room we were meeting in there were ballroom dancing lessons going on. I thought "now this is my kind of hospital!" We found the room and the group had just started. There were about 20 people sitting around these tables wearing aprons and I could see a big block of red clay stuff on one. “What am I getting myself into”. We learned about studies showing art as a strong method of healing therapy. Then it was time to share our stories.
The stories were so sad and so different. Each person had a pain not like the next person. The couple next to us also lost their baby Grace in 2008; they lost their little boy in September. Another mom had lost her baby and is 28 weeks pregnant with a little girl; she just got the news her baby girl has Down syndrome. The couple on the opposite side of us lost their little girl to PKD, the same disease that took precious baby Jody from Carla & Joe in April. We were getting to the end of the circle and one woman spoke of the two babies she lost, one of the still born like Grace, and how she has had a healthy baby girl since and is 32 weeks along with another baby girl. “Wow” I thought, a light at the end of the tunnel. “This woman has lost two babies yet was able to have healthy babies after that”. I was beginning to feel better. Then came Brandy and Paul.
From the moment I walked in I felt drawn to this mommy, I learned her name is Brandy. They said that their little boy, Joseph Henry, was born on 10-15-09, same day as Grace! How cool is that! We met them after the group was over and shared stories. I am blown away by the strength they have after experiencing such an unexpected loss. Their pregnancy had been perfect, no problems at all. They thought that they were in labor (or maybe false labor) since they were a day before their due date and went in to the ER. That is when their lives changed forever. They learned that the placenta had ruptured, which is rarer than extremely rare, and an emergency c-section was done. Baby Joseph was born at 1:30am on 10/15/09 at Banner Desert Hospital. Baby and Daddy had to be flown to Phoenix Children’s Hospital in hopes of saving him. Mommy had to stay back at Banner Desert. How I wish I would’ve known what was going on as it was happening. Brandy was in a room close to mine, without her husband and baby, while I was walking the halls hoping to deliver Grace. Who would’ve known that our paths would meet now?
I am so touched by their emotion and sorrow, and I find a serenity when I talk to them or about them. Their blog is beautiful: http://loveforjoseph.blogspot.com/
The luminaries turned out wonderful, once we got started. At first I had no idea what to create. I started stenciling “ANGEL” then did a picture of an angel beneath it. On one side I spelled out “GRACE” on the other “10/15/09” and then put a heart on it with all of our initials “BS, KS, RS, GS”. Bobby’s took more time than mine; he really poured his heart into it. Earlier in the day he was preparing my birthday gift and was watching a scene from “City of Angels” that really touched him. The scene is a little girl and an angel standing outside of a hospital room watching the little girl pass away.
Girl: “Are you God?”
Angel:“No”
Girl: “Where are we going?”
Angel: “Home”
Girl: “Can mommy come too?”
Angel: “No”
Girl: “But she won’t understand”
Angel: “She will”
Bobby shared the scene with me when I got home from running errands and I started crying. I still miss Grace terribly and I wish she was here with us but it gave me a new perspective. The little girl in the movie didn’t want to stay here on earth with her mommy & daddy, she asked if her mommy could come to heaven. And she didn’t ask because she was scared, she asked because she knew her mommy would be hurting and she wanted to make her feel better. That’s why she said “but she won’t understand”. If it stopped there I would’ve been satisfied but it went on to say “she will”. That statement gives me hope. I may not understand it now, but someday, I will. Maybe not on this earth but, someday, I will.
I didn't know what to expect walking in and was slightly taken back when in the hallway outside the room we were meeting in there were ballroom dancing lessons going on. I thought "now this is my kind of hospital!" We found the room and the group had just started. There were about 20 people sitting around these tables wearing aprons and I could see a big block of red clay stuff on one. “What am I getting myself into”. We learned about studies showing art as a strong method of healing therapy. Then it was time to share our stories.
The stories were so sad and so different. Each person had a pain not like the next person. The couple next to us also lost their baby Grace in 2008; they lost their little boy in September. Another mom had lost her baby and is 28 weeks pregnant with a little girl; she just got the news her baby girl has Down syndrome. The couple on the opposite side of us lost their little girl to PKD, the same disease that took precious baby Jody from Carla & Joe in April. We were getting to the end of the circle and one woman spoke of the two babies she lost, one of the still born like Grace, and how she has had a healthy baby girl since and is 32 weeks along with another baby girl. “Wow” I thought, a light at the end of the tunnel. “This woman has lost two babies yet was able to have healthy babies after that”. I was beginning to feel better. Then came Brandy and Paul.
From the moment I walked in I felt drawn to this mommy, I learned her name is Brandy. They said that their little boy, Joseph Henry, was born on 10-15-09, same day as Grace! How cool is that! We met them after the group was over and shared stories. I am blown away by the strength they have after experiencing such an unexpected loss. Their pregnancy had been perfect, no problems at all. They thought that they were in labor (or maybe false labor) since they were a day before their due date and went in to the ER. That is when their lives changed forever. They learned that the placenta had ruptured, which is rarer than extremely rare, and an emergency c-section was done. Baby Joseph was born at 1:30am on 10/15/09 at Banner Desert Hospital. Baby and Daddy had to be flown to Phoenix Children’s Hospital in hopes of saving him. Mommy had to stay back at Banner Desert. How I wish I would’ve known what was going on as it was happening. Brandy was in a room close to mine, without her husband and baby, while I was walking the halls hoping to deliver Grace. Who would’ve known that our paths would meet now?
I am so touched by their emotion and sorrow, and I find a serenity when I talk to them or about them. Their blog is beautiful: http://loveforjoseph.blogspot.com/
The luminaries turned out wonderful, once we got started. At first I had no idea what to create. I started stenciling “ANGEL” then did a picture of an angel beneath it. On one side I spelled out “GRACE” on the other “10/15/09” and then put a heart on it with all of our initials “BS, KS, RS, GS”. Bobby’s took more time than mine; he really poured his heart into it. Earlier in the day he was preparing my birthday gift and was watching a scene from “City of Angels” that really touched him. The scene is a little girl and an angel standing outside of a hospital room watching the little girl pass away.
Girl: “Are you God?”
Angel:“No”
Girl: “Where are we going?”
Angel: “Home”
Girl: “Can mommy come too?”
Angel: “No”
Girl: “But she won’t understand”
Angel: “She will”
Bobby shared the scene with me when I got home from running errands and I started crying. I still miss Grace terribly and I wish she was here with us but it gave me a new perspective. The little girl in the movie didn’t want to stay here on earth with her mommy & daddy, she asked if her mommy could come to heaven. And she didn’t ask because she was scared, she asked because she knew her mommy would be hurting and she wanted to make her feel better. That’s why she said “but she won’t understand”. If it stopped there I would’ve been satisfied but it went on to say “she will”. That statement gives me hope. I may not understand it now, but someday, I will. Maybe not on this earth but, someday, I will.
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