Thursday October 15th is a day I will remember forever, a day that changed my life.
After the experience we had the day before at the first hospital we were to give birth at I woke up in my bed wondering if it had been a dream. I quickly realized it had not been, I was still pregnant though Grace was no longer moving in my tummy. What is strange about that is now, 15 days later, I lay in bed and still feel her kick me; the Doctor tells me this is normal.
My best friend Christina got to our house from the airport around 830 and our house started moving after the hours of silence I had been laying in. Bobby got up and hopped in the shower and while I was in the shower after that our Doctor called and said we were set up to deliver at Banner Desert with Dr. Lee.
We repacked the car and called our family and friends to let them know the new plans. Once everything was done we headed out for another “last supper”, our second in two days! This time I got to pick and chose Jason’s Deli (you San Diego dwellers are missing out on this place, it is AMAZING!)Luckily the deli was next to a Verizon store because this hospital did not have free wifi which was a growing concern for Bobby. Verizon hooked him up with some software that works through your phone, not sure of all the details but it was $5 so I was pleased and Bobby had his wireless internet hook up.
Banner Desert was great to us from the moment we checked in. The lobby was pretty empty and they got us into our room in no time. The room was specious but didn’t have the flat screen TV or movie selection the other hospital had. I didn’t mind though; I got to put on my “designer” delivery gown again. The one I got online. I am very frugal but Bobby convinced me to spend the $50 on the gown since whatever I was wearing was going to be what all the pictures we have will show me in. I imagined the drab blue gown and how drowned out my place would already be after delivery and decided on a bright pink gown with lots of colorful swirly thingy’s. You’ll see it once we have pictures; I thought I was so cool.
Nurse Dana Bennett (I use her whole name because that was the name of a dear friend of mine when I was growing up!) came into our room and checked us in. She then brought in Dr Lee, she was incredible. They told us if Grace was still breech they would be able to go in there and maneuver her around. They also said that we’d do an ultrasound to see what type of breech position she was in. The feet down would require the maneuvering but if she was butt they could deliver her that way. Our U/S tech, Kim, was great and once she confirmed Grace was butt down she continued the U/S and let us see her face and body, something they didn’t do on Tuesday when they confirmed there was no heartbeat. I guess they think it is hard for mommy to see the U/S once baby is in heaven. Kim gave us pictures of the U/S and we went back to our room thankful that she was in the butt first position.
We had checked in around 1230, after the U/S and meet/greet the Doctor’s it was around 2pm and they started the inducing medicine. They gave me a pill (not orally) that would start contractions (Cidatech, not sure on the spelling though); they said they would repeat it every 4 hours. As I lay there I started thanking God for bringing us to this safe place, this hospital had put my mind at ease. I was so scared at the other one and just thought, well this is what happens when you give birth, I guess. Not true! Once I was settled in here I was in total peace, THANK YOU GOD!
Soon enough the family started rolling in and we started unpacking all the goodies we brought including: a tub of licorice, chips, chex mix, homemade cookies, big bag mixes of sweet candy (sweet tarts, laffy taffy, etc.) and another of chocolate candy (m&m’s, kit kat’s, twix, snickers, etc.), granola bars and more! I can’t remember it all right now. It was like a family reunion, everyone starting to mingle with each other. My dad finally returned from the airport with my wonderful sister Melissa, I was so happy!! Around 5pm I got up and walked around with my mom. I think everyone knew we were coming from room 15, the one with the rose on the door which identified our situation for the Nurses; as we walked the halls we heard lots of laughter coming from each of the rooms. My mom started to cry. I would’ve cried too if I wasn’t preoccupied with thoughts of “I wonder if these nurses like my gown” I may sound silly or shallow but I think it was a defense mechanism for me… and I really did want them to admire my gown. Finally on our way back to the room a pregnant nurse was walking by and told me she liked my gown. “sweet!” I thought. I told her where to get it online, I was very proud.
At 630 Nurse Dana came in and introduced Nurse Wendy who would be taking over for her. We also met Dr. Kimbro who was taking over for Dr. Lee, she was also wonderful. They found I was dilated to 2 cm and inserted another pill and said the contractions should get stronger now. Nurse Dana predicted we would deliver by midnight even though Dr. Lee said it COULD take a day or two. Dana was right about one thing, the contractions started coming right away, and fast.
I stopped watching the contraction machine when the monitor reached 80 (on a scale of 1-100) and never got below 50. The contractions weren’t too bad as far as severity but the frequency was unbearable; about 45 sec. from start of one to start of the next and each lasted about 30 seconds. My mom was coaching me and she was AWESOME! She would rub the spot between my eyebrows since I was tensing up there and then during the contractions she would like me in the eyes and coach my breathing about 2 inches from my face all the while holding my hold and pinching a pressure point around my thumb. I was getting one deep cleansing breath in between contractions and then they would start again. They were pretty intense and my body wouldn’t stop shivering. Perfect time for visitors, right? Our Pastor came in and chatted with us and prayed with us. He was there for quite some time. All I remember thinking was “I am in so much pain and his arm muscles look huge, and painful” I just wanted him to cover his arms, just looking at his muscles made me feel pain. It is kinda funny looking back on it but at the time I was just thinking “just these painful arms out of here”..I didn’t express those thoughts out loud!
Pastor left around 7:30 and I was ready for some epidural. The Nurse asked me the pain number and I said 4…luckily she took the liberty of marking down 10 so we could get moving. So there my mom is helping through every contraction, which was really one HUGE contraction. And now, bobby’s mom was on the opposite side holding my other hand. The IV was in that hand and so the bag that was administering the drip was going in slowly. She was holding my hand in a funny was and then she told me “I know this is uncomfortable but look at that bag… that WHOLE bag has to be in your body before they will give you the epidural… this position is the way to get it in the fastest” Thank God for Debbie and my Mom… the best mom’s in the world!! We decided to have the epidural since she was breech and we weren’t sure if they would have to go in and maneuver her once she started coming out. Dr. Isaac came in and gave me the epidural at 7:54pm. I think he is the best Doctor in the entire world, Dr. feel good Within 15 minutes I was feeling MUCH better. Now I could try to watch the Dodger game again! Nurse Wendy checked me again around 815 and said, you are at 5cm with a full bag of water…let me know when your water breaks. Within 10 minutes I felt a big water balloon burst and declared “we have breakage” when I called the Nurses station.
Nurse Wendy came in and said “yes, your water broke AND you are 10cm!”. Wow, I thought. She told me I would begin to feel pressure but not to push. I told her “I feel pressure” she said that it would increase and I said “No, I feel a lot of pressure…I think she is coming” she looked down and said “oh yeah, she’s coming”. She rushed out and came back in with Dr. Kimbro. They began preparing for delivery. The put the stirrup thingy’s on the bed and they were probably 2 ½ feet in the air, I thought “wow, what an odd position” but said “ok, here we go” and lifted my legs into them. That when Nurse Wendy said “No, no, those come down.. I am just hooking them in first” Oops! We got positioned and were ready…I was so excited. Dr. Kimbro said she’d tell me when to push and she did. It was took 3 pushes and the loud declaration “8:32pm” broke the silence. They lifted Grace onto my tummy and there she was, perfection. All the beauty of heaven in the face of a baby, my little angel. I didn’t see the skin that had come off at first, somehow my eyes missed it. The room was completely silent except for sniffles, eerie but soothing.
Bobby cut the cord and it took a couple more pushes to get the placenta out. I guess it was a little harder to get it out because when they tried to use the umbilical cord to ease the placenta out it broke off from it; how Grace was able to feed off of something so fragile for so long is truly amazing and a testament of God’s Grace. I handed her over to her Daddy and we held and loved on her for so long. Daddy took her over to the warming table but not to be warmed. He worked with all the nurses to clean her up and dress her. Angelina from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep was taking pictures and we started passing her around. Everyone got to hold her, she really looked like an angel. Angelina took as many pictures as she could and then had to go to another hospital for another delivery of a baby who had passed away, how she does this I will never know… she is incredible!
We want to thank EVERYONE who was there with us: My mom (best coach ever!) and Dad, Bobby’s mom (without you I wouldn’t have had a chance to get the epidural!), Christina (for being my best friend and videographer!), My sister Melissa (who flew out from Minneapolis to be here, sweetest most loving sister ever!), Bobby’s Grandma Taylor and Aunt Sue (who, with Bobby’s Mom, made ALL THREE DRESSES Grace wore!), Bobby’s sister and bro- in-law Tonya & Jed, bobby’s Brother Michael, my brother Jonathan (your letter to Grace was sooo precious!), Maybeth (the foot massage, watching kids and the footprints, thanks!!), Pastor Bush (you didn’t have to come, a lot of pastors wouldn’t have, we are lucky to have you as ours!), Nurses Dana, Wendy, Raquel and Cheryl, Doctors Lee, Isaac and Kimbro. I just know I am forgetting people but you are still in my heart…know that at the time I was grateful to each and every one, even if I can’t recall it now!!
After Grace’s pictures they worked on her a little more, Bobby was quite the plastic surgeon! At one point, he was at the table with Grace and was overcome and started crying, he felt someone consoling him and assumed it was his mom. When he turned around he saw that it was Dr. Kimbro! She had stayed in the room and was there consoling us. This is just one of the many ways the entire staff at Banner Desert wrapped their arms around us and cared for us. In fact, once everyone had gone Bobby and I went to the cafeteria to eat. On our way back we ran into Dr. Kimbro and we said thanks and said something about “you guys are experts at this you deal with this everyday” and Dr. Kimbro replied something like “we do our best but we don’t deal with this everyday; we’ve never met you or your baby before”. It hit us; she really cares.
She slept with us that night. During the night Bobby went with the Nurses to take pictures in a little room in the L/D unit. When we woke up there was a plaster circle with her hand and footprints, we were so excited. We had tried to get molds of her hands and feet but her little skin kept coming off. The Nurses have learned to use playdoh instead, they got perfect molds… we treasure it.
In the Morning, Papa Rohn, Bobby’s Dad, came to see her. We had just seen him the Sunday before when he prayed a blessing on us. Bobby’s Grandma Shedd came too. My mom’s dear friend Bernadine came as well. It was a great time. Riley, our 6 year old, finally got there to meet his little sister too. We went to the lobby to talk with him and then we walked him in to the room. He had already decided that he wanted to meet her, even though she was already in heaven. When we approached her bassinet he asked “Is she dead?” “Yes, she is dead” “Okay” he said. He climbed up to see her and after the initial shock he became curious. He asked about her skin and we explained that it didn’t hurt her, she got the scrapes after she was already in heaven. Then we asked if him to remember a scab he has had before. They look like they hurt but they don’t and it’s hard to remember the pain of getting hurt once you already have the scab because the pain is gone. He asked “what do we do now”…”we say goodbye”, he said “okay”. We directed him to her 6 toes so that he didn’t focus only on her skin… He eyes were as wide as I have ever seen when I said “Riley, count her toes” “I, 2, 3, 4, 5….6!?!?!” he was amazed!
Although I don’t think anyone is interested in the funeral home stuff I have to share because the hospital was once again amazing. When we called the funeral home to come pick her up they arranged it with the hospital to be able to pick her up directly from our room; she would never have to visit the morgue. This was unheard of but the hospital was glad to oblige. It involved security and their dog along with a lot of extra paperwork but none of them complained.
Once it was time to say good bye all the family held and kissed her and whispered special things to her. Then they went to the lobby and waited for us. Bobby and I spent a good amount of time in the hospital room just the three of us. We held her, kissed her, cried on her, loved on her, talked to her and changed for the last time. We prayed together and then I danced with her…she always loved music and dancing! For whatever reason the song that came to me was “you make me feel like dancing, I want to dance the night away”. We kept talking to her and crying and laughing and kissing; even after the funeral home came. Chris from Bunkers was incredible. She had met with us weeks prior when we were making the arrangements and she personally came to pick her up. She wrapped Grace in green blanket , the color we had picked out for her bedroom; and then she carried her out. Suddenly, it was just me and Bobby. We spent a good amount of time together in the room; private, intimate moments that I know strengthened the bond we share forever.
We love our sweet baby girl and we miss her terribly. We are learning how to deal with the loss of a child; something we never imagined going through. God is carrying us through this and we are finding strength in each other. Our first grief counseling is Monday night. Today we go to the hospital to pick up the pictures they took during the night while I was asleep. Every day is filled with thoughts of our little girl but not as many tears now. I am sure there will be good and bad days, Monday will be the day we were going to induce, had she been born alive. We firmly believe that God allowed this to happen to us for a purpose. Grace was so perfect on the outside that had she been born alive, I don’t know that I would’ve been able to handle watching her slip away.
Grace Debbie Shedd was absolutely beautiful. Born October 15th, 2009 at 8:32pm weighing in at 3lbs 4oz 15” long. She had sandy blond/brown hair over ½ inch long and her nails were so long she they gave her a mani/pedi (including the 6th toe on each foot).We got to spend so much time with her. I got to sing every song I know to her and kiss every precious part of her body. I made sure to do it in a rhythm and with my eyes shut too so that I would be able to kiss pictures of her in the same rhythm, eyes shut, and hope to recapture the moment.
I am reading a book that the hospital gave us and there is a quote from Abraham Lincoln, one of my favorite orators, who also lost 3 kids. He said:
In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all…It comes with bitterest agony… perfect relief is not possible, except with time.
You cannot now realize that you will ever feel better…and yet this is a mistake.
You are sure to be happy again.
To know this, which is certainly true, will make you become less miserable now.
I have experienced enough to know what I say.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Easy Chocolate Recipes! :) Truffles & Oreo Cookies & Creme Freeze
I spent yesterday morning baking and thanks to a suggestion from Lindsey, I am posting my super easy and no mess recipes... between the two it took me 30 minutes of work time! The truffles are SUPPPPPEEERRR easy and great for kids to help with too!
Truffles
2 ½ pkg. (20 squares) Bakers Semi-Sweet Chocolate
1 pkg. (8 ounces) Philadelphia Cream Cheese (I use the low-fat one and no one knows the difference!)
Melt 8 squares of chocolate. Hint: To avoid burning the chocolate I boil water in a small pot and put a glass bowl in it (large enough so that it doesn’t touch the water)
Beat cream cheese with mixer until creamy; stir in melted chocolate. Fridge until firm (about 30 min).
Shape into 36 balls (I use a melon scoop to size them out or I wind up making them too big!) and put on was paper.
Melt last 12 squares of chocolate. Dip truffles into chocolate with a fork. Put on was paper.
Decorate immediately. My favorite is tiny ball sprinkles or powdered sugar, but you can use anything, cocoa powder is good too.
Oreo Cookies & Cream Freeze
4 squares Bakers Semi-Sweet Chocolate
14 Oreo Cookies (crumbled into pieces, I crumble a group of 8 and a group of 6)
1 pkg. (8 ounces) Philadelphia Cream Cheese (I use the low-fat one and no one knows the difference!)
¼ cup Sugar
½ teaspoon Vanilla
1 tub (8 ounces) Cool Whip
Melt chocolate and set aside. Line bread pan (8 ½ x 4 1/2_) with foil, enough so that there is an inch or so overlapping the sides. Put Oreo crumbs (8 cookies total) on the bottom of the pan.
Beat cream cheese, sugar and vanilla in a bowl until well blended. Stir in the cool whip. Scoop 1 ½ cups of mixture into another bowl and stir in chocolate.
Spread remaining cream cheese mixture over cookies in pan. Layer Oreo crumbs on top (remaining 6 cookies). Pack in good using back of spoon. Top the Oreos with the chocolate mixture.
Freeze for three hours. Flip dessert onto serving plate and remove foil. Flip back over so that chocolate layer is on top and serve!
Truffles
2 ½ pkg. (20 squares) Bakers Semi-Sweet Chocolate
1 pkg. (8 ounces) Philadelphia Cream Cheese (I use the low-fat one and no one knows the difference!)
Melt 8 squares of chocolate. Hint: To avoid burning the chocolate I boil water in a small pot and put a glass bowl in it (large enough so that it doesn’t touch the water)
Beat cream cheese with mixer until creamy; stir in melted chocolate. Fridge until firm (about 30 min).
Shape into 36 balls (I use a melon scoop to size them out or I wind up making them too big!) and put on was paper.
Melt last 12 squares of chocolate. Dip truffles into chocolate with a fork. Put on was paper.
Decorate immediately. My favorite is tiny ball sprinkles or powdered sugar, but you can use anything, cocoa powder is good too.
Oreo Cookies & Cream Freeze
4 squares Bakers Semi-Sweet Chocolate
14 Oreo Cookies (crumbled into pieces, I crumble a group of 8 and a group of 6)
1 pkg. (8 ounces) Philadelphia Cream Cheese (I use the low-fat one and no one knows the difference!)
¼ cup Sugar
½ teaspoon Vanilla
1 tub (8 ounces) Cool Whip
Melt chocolate and set aside. Line bread pan (8 ½ x 4 1/2_) with foil, enough so that there is an inch or so overlapping the sides. Put Oreo crumbs (8 cookies total) on the bottom of the pan.
Beat cream cheese, sugar and vanilla in a bowl until well blended. Stir in the cool whip. Scoop 1 ½ cups of mixture into another bowl and stir in chocolate.
Spread remaining cream cheese mixture over cookies in pan. Layer Oreo crumbs on top (remaining 6 cookies). Pack in good using back of spoon. Top the Oreos with the chocolate mixture.
Freeze for three hours. Flip dessert onto serving plate and remove foil. Flip back over so that chocolate layer is on top and serve!
Monday, October 26, 2009
Grace - Picture of Grace and donation information
A lot of people have asked me for pictures of Grace. We only have one right now but we will be posting many more once we have them available to us. The one I am attaching is from the hospital. They were so wonderful, especially after the experience we had at the first hospital. Grace was delivered breech and we were allowed all the time we wanted with her. They cleaned her up (manicure and all) and made molds of her feet using playdoh (after we tried unsuccessfully to get them made, the plaster stuff we were using was taking the skin off her little feet). As you can see in the picture her skin was peeling off, the worst was on the right side of her face and her abdomen. This was a result of her being passed away in the tummy for several days. When I saw her for the first time I didn't even see the skin peeling, I saw a perfect baby girl, with beautiful features, including mommy's nose :)
It was clear to us once we left Banner Desert Hospital that they were the organization God wants us to support in Grace's memory. Several people have asked where they could donate, in Grace's honor, so I am posting the information for the hospital as well.
Banner Desert Hospital is a high level trauma hospital and unfortuantely they have a very busy infant bereavement services department. They have an incredibly well trained and supportive staff and when we said "you guys are so good to us but I suppose you get used to it, dealing with babies dying everyday" the reply we got was "we've never met you or your baby, so we don't get used to it". Although they get some funding from the hospital I think the programs for patients that survive get the bulk of the money. They were genuinely caring people who rely on donations for funding their program. Donating to bereavement services probably never crosses the minds of the parents of the children who live and go hoome healthy from the hospital so the donating is left to the parents of the babies who don't come home and the select few who may be touched enough to donate in one of those babies memory. If you would like to donate in Grace's memory, here is how to do it:
Banner Health Foundation
Call: 602-747-4483
Mail check to: Banner Health Foundation PO Box 1897 Phoenix, AZ 85001-9940
Hospital donating to: Banner Desert Medical Center
If you donate $50 (silver leaf) or $100 (gold leaf) they will place a leaf in the "tree of life" garden in the hospital and you can choose a message to have displayed (up to 50 characters)
Grace's information is this:
Grace Debbie Shedd
10-15-2009
8:32pm
I am posting an image of the donation envelope but I don't know how well it will show up...
This hospital is extremely dear to our hearts and we truly believe God led us there to deliver Grace. They were wonderful to us and we want to pay it forward to them.
THANKS EVERYONE!!
It was clear to us once we left Banner Desert Hospital that they were the organization God wants us to support in Grace's memory. Several people have asked where they could donate, in Grace's honor, so I am posting the information for the hospital as well.
Banner Desert Hospital is a high level trauma hospital and unfortuantely they have a very busy infant bereavement services department. They have an incredibly well trained and supportive staff and when we said "you guys are so good to us but I suppose you get used to it, dealing with babies dying everyday" the reply we got was "we've never met you or your baby, so we don't get used to it". Although they get some funding from the hospital I think the programs for patients that survive get the bulk of the money. They were genuinely caring people who rely on donations for funding their program. Donating to bereavement services probably never crosses the minds of the parents of the children who live and go hoome healthy from the hospital so the donating is left to the parents of the babies who don't come home and the select few who may be touched enough to donate in one of those babies memory. If you would like to donate in Grace's memory, here is how to do it:
Banner Health Foundation
Call: 602-747-4483
Mail check to: Banner Health Foundation PO Box 1897 Phoenix, AZ 85001-9940
Hospital donating to: Banner Desert Medical Center
If you donate $50 (silver leaf) or $100 (gold leaf) they will place a leaf in the "tree of life" garden in the hospital and you can choose a message to have displayed (up to 50 characters)
Grace's information is this:
Grace Debbie Shedd
10-15-2009
8:32pm
I am posting an image of the donation envelope but I don't know how well it will show up...
This hospital is extremely dear to our hearts and we truly believe God led us there to deliver Grace. They were wonderful to us and we want to pay it forward to them.
THANKS EVERYONE!!
Sunday, October 25, 2009
My Week
I will blog eventually about the day grace was born. I did write it out the other day for 2 1/2 hours only to find the blog was lost when I hit post...I was so sad but I will write it again, just not today.
Today I want to recap the last 10 days, since October 15th, when Grace was born.
Friday 10/16 - We got home from the hospital around 1:30 and we were exhausted. Tried to sleep, Bobby crashed on our bed and I waas on the couch. I got about 20 minutes of sleep, Bobby got several hours. Joe & Carla, friends who lost their son earlier this year, brought us dinner.
Saturday 10/17 - After sleeping a total of 2 hours I was laying in bed thinking about my little girl. I decided to get up and clean. I didn't get very far in the hours I was cleaning so I decided to see what my mom and sister were doing; I figured they'd be shopping. Bobby was sleeping when I left, I think he has it figured out. I laid in bed listening to him watch movies in the living room until 430 so by the time he came to bed he fell right asleep, I laid in bed listening to him breathe until I got out of bed at 6am. My mom, sister and I went to Costco and ran into a guy I worked with, he was holding his little girl. Within 10 seconds of talking to him is little girl looked at me, reached her arms out and shifted out of her daddy's arms into mine. She squeezed my neck as hard as she could and laid on my shoulder; I'd never met her before. Maybe she could see Grace with me? maybe she could see a mommy in pain? Don't know but I DO know that god knew I needed the touch of an innocent child and He gave it to me.
Sunday 10/18 - I finished cleaning my house which brought me more, or possibly less, satisfaction than it usually does... I can't figure out which, my feelings are confusing me these days. My boss, Lisa, came over and brought us lunch. It was just what we needed. Michelle, my older other fabulous sister, flew in today. We all went to my parents house for dinner and a time of baking.
Monday 10/19 - Today is a day that I am excited for. My sister, mom and I baked brownies and cookies, we are delivering them to our specialist, Dr. Ponkey, and to the hospital. We visited with both offices for a good amount of time. At Dr. Ponkey's she assured us not to worry about future pregnancies saying "the odds of another trisomy baby for you are 1 in 100" that wasn't reassuring at all but I quickly tried to think positively and said "none of the odds you give us start with 2 in ..., so I guess we are good since we already got our 1". When we got to the hospital I had butterflies, I was excited, it was a place of great happiness for me - the place I met my daughter. I suppose many mothers wouldn't want to return to the hospital so soon, if ever, after losing a baby there…maybe I am not handling this right, I thought… but I couldn’t help it, I would’ve stayed there and sat in the garden next to the Labor/Delivery wing for hours.
Tuesday 10/20 – Yesterday was great but nothing compared to the excitement I am feeling today. Today I get to go to the funeral home and see my girl, one last time. Words can’t explain my excitement, must be how a mom feels who is waiting to see her son come home from deployment or her daughter after a surgery, I don’t know for sure. I have a skip in my step and nothing can bring me down. We got to see Grace at 2pm. The funeral home director, Chris, met with us first and prepared us for what we were asking to do. She explained that Grace looked very different from the hospital and asked “are you SURE you want to do this?” I couldn’t understand why she was asking this “of course I want to see her, she’s my baby!” She asked if we had any questions and I had only one. “Can I hold her?” I don’t know why I asked because I would’ve done it whatever her answer was. She said I could and off we went. The door to the viewing room opened and across the room was a little white bassinet. I would’ve run up to it if I had the guts, but I walked to it and peeked inside and there she was, my beautiful angel. I immediately started talking to her “Hi, sweet baby” “mommy’s here” “you look so good baby, so beautiful” a flood of emotions came out through soft words meant for just me, daddy and my girl. I was holding her in a rocking chair and my family came in to say goodbye. My sister Michelle finally got to hold her niece; I was finally content knowing my sisters both got to spend some time with her. Grace looked great dressed in the last of the three dresses Bobby’s Mom, Grandma Taylor and Aunt Sue made and she looked just like she was asleep; the funeral home did an amazing job. My family spent some time then left bobby and I to say our goodbyes. We cried and laughed and I danced with her one last time all across the room. It was a time I will cherish forever. I was on a cloud the rest of the day, so happy to have been with my girl.
Wednesday 10/21 – I went with my mom to her eye Doctor appointment and when I came home Bobby had our entire yard landscaped. He knew how much I wanted this done and it was another example of how much he loves me and knows just how to express it in a way that means so much to me!
Thursday 10/22 – Today Michelle, mom and I had pedicures then we ran errands all day. I was a day of “normalcy”; I am not sure how that makes me feel. My family came over for dinner, my dad cooked steak and we made rice & carrots to go along with it. Although it was a great dinner they came over for a special reason… it 8:32pm we celebrated Grace’s birth, exactly a week after she was born. We had a chocolate cake with white frosting my little sister Melissa made. The pink icing declared “Grace Debbie Shedd 10-15-09 3lbs 4oz 15inches”. There was a single candle lit for Grace that bobby and I blew out together. It was bittersweet moment, again laughing and crying. We made the cake because my mom had made a cake for each one of her children when we were born; it’s a tradition I want to carry on.
Friday 10/23 – Michelle is on her way back home today. I am alone in the house. Bobby and my dad went to the crematory to see Grace off. Bobby is the best dad ever. It wasn’t easy, I know, but he protected Grace for her entire time on this earth. He made sure she was born into the world in the right environment and he made sure I was daddy’s hands that delivered her into her final resting place. I was at home writing a blog for 2 ½ hours, which was lost when I tried to post it; I was devastated. I called Bobby right away and he was so sad that he couldn’t hold me right then, as I was crying uncontrollably. I got over it quickly, realizing it is all God’s purpose. Maybe those words were for me and Grace and God only. When bobby got home he had Grace with him, she is cradled in the most beautiful urn I have ever seen. You should see this urn, it's so beautiful. A baby angel on a cloud, praying. She has one cheek slightly puffier than the other, peaceful sleeping eyes and the most serene look on her face... just like our baby Grace.
This last week has been such a rollercoaster. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry; I always go with whatever emotion I am feeling – not holding or hiding anything. That is the only “honest” way I can cope with this. I cry, but I can’t cry hard enough. I scream, but I can’t scream loud enough. I pound on my pillows but I can’t seem to get rid of the hurt & anger I have inside. I talk to her and smell the blankies that held her at the hospital, but it doesn’t fill my empty arms. I pray, but I can’t pray long enough to say “I am ok with this God, Grace is yours”… not yet. But I will continue to do all these things and whatever else comes to me as I, as we, begin healing. Sometimes, laughter is the only thing I feel… when Bobby handed Grace to me in her precious urn I said what came to my mind “Well Grace, I must say, you’ve put on a little weight”. I could joke only because I am at peace, my girl is home; her body with us and her spirit in heaven.
Today I want to recap the last 10 days, since October 15th, when Grace was born.
Friday 10/16 - We got home from the hospital around 1:30 and we were exhausted. Tried to sleep, Bobby crashed on our bed and I waas on the couch. I got about 20 minutes of sleep, Bobby got several hours. Joe & Carla, friends who lost their son earlier this year, brought us dinner.
Saturday 10/17 - After sleeping a total of 2 hours I was laying in bed thinking about my little girl. I decided to get up and clean. I didn't get very far in the hours I was cleaning so I decided to see what my mom and sister were doing; I figured they'd be shopping. Bobby was sleeping when I left, I think he has it figured out. I laid in bed listening to him watch movies in the living room until 430 so by the time he came to bed he fell right asleep, I laid in bed listening to him breathe until I got out of bed at 6am. My mom, sister and I went to Costco and ran into a guy I worked with, he was holding his little girl. Within 10 seconds of talking to him is little girl looked at me, reached her arms out and shifted out of her daddy's arms into mine. She squeezed my neck as hard as she could and laid on my shoulder; I'd never met her before. Maybe she could see Grace with me? maybe she could see a mommy in pain? Don't know but I DO know that god knew I needed the touch of an innocent child and He gave it to me.
Sunday 10/18 - I finished cleaning my house which brought me more, or possibly less, satisfaction than it usually does... I can't figure out which, my feelings are confusing me these days. My boss, Lisa, came over and brought us lunch. It was just what we needed. Michelle, my older other fabulous sister, flew in today. We all went to my parents house for dinner and a time of baking.
Monday 10/19 - Today is a day that I am excited for. My sister, mom and I baked brownies and cookies, we are delivering them to our specialist, Dr. Ponkey, and to the hospital. We visited with both offices for a good amount of time. At Dr. Ponkey's she assured us not to worry about future pregnancies saying "the odds of another trisomy baby for you are 1 in 100" that wasn't reassuring at all but I quickly tried to think positively and said "none of the odds you give us start with 2 in ..., so I guess we are good since we already got our 1". When we got to the hospital I had butterflies, I was excited, it was a place of great happiness for me - the place I met my daughter. I suppose many mothers wouldn't want to return to the hospital so soon, if ever, after losing a baby there…maybe I am not handling this right, I thought… but I couldn’t help it, I would’ve stayed there and sat in the garden next to the Labor/Delivery wing for hours.
Tuesday 10/20 – Yesterday was great but nothing compared to the excitement I am feeling today. Today I get to go to the funeral home and see my girl, one last time. Words can’t explain my excitement, must be how a mom feels who is waiting to see her son come home from deployment or her daughter after a surgery, I don’t know for sure. I have a skip in my step and nothing can bring me down. We got to see Grace at 2pm. The funeral home director, Chris, met with us first and prepared us for what we were asking to do. She explained that Grace looked very different from the hospital and asked “are you SURE you want to do this?” I couldn’t understand why she was asking this “of course I want to see her, she’s my baby!” She asked if we had any questions and I had only one. “Can I hold her?” I don’t know why I asked because I would’ve done it whatever her answer was. She said I could and off we went. The door to the viewing room opened and across the room was a little white bassinet. I would’ve run up to it if I had the guts, but I walked to it and peeked inside and there she was, my beautiful angel. I immediately started talking to her “Hi, sweet baby” “mommy’s here” “you look so good baby, so beautiful” a flood of emotions came out through soft words meant for just me, daddy and my girl. I was holding her in a rocking chair and my family came in to say goodbye. My sister Michelle finally got to hold her niece; I was finally content knowing my sisters both got to spend some time with her. Grace looked great dressed in the last of the three dresses Bobby’s Mom, Grandma Taylor and Aunt Sue made and she looked just like she was asleep; the funeral home did an amazing job. My family spent some time then left bobby and I to say our goodbyes. We cried and laughed and I danced with her one last time all across the room. It was a time I will cherish forever. I was on a cloud the rest of the day, so happy to have been with my girl.
Wednesday 10/21 – I went with my mom to her eye Doctor appointment and when I came home Bobby had our entire yard landscaped. He knew how much I wanted this done and it was another example of how much he loves me and knows just how to express it in a way that means so much to me!
Thursday 10/22 – Today Michelle, mom and I had pedicures then we ran errands all day. I was a day of “normalcy”; I am not sure how that makes me feel. My family came over for dinner, my dad cooked steak and we made rice & carrots to go along with it. Although it was a great dinner they came over for a special reason… it 8:32pm we celebrated Grace’s birth, exactly a week after she was born. We had a chocolate cake with white frosting my little sister Melissa made. The pink icing declared “Grace Debbie Shedd 10-15-09 3lbs 4oz 15inches”. There was a single candle lit for Grace that bobby and I blew out together. It was bittersweet moment, again laughing and crying. We made the cake because my mom had made a cake for each one of her children when we were born; it’s a tradition I want to carry on.
Friday 10/23 – Michelle is on her way back home today. I am alone in the house. Bobby and my dad went to the crematory to see Grace off. Bobby is the best dad ever. It wasn’t easy, I know, but he protected Grace for her entire time on this earth. He made sure she was born into the world in the right environment and he made sure I was daddy’s hands that delivered her into her final resting place. I was at home writing a blog for 2 ½ hours, which was lost when I tried to post it; I was devastated. I called Bobby right away and he was so sad that he couldn’t hold me right then, as I was crying uncontrollably. I got over it quickly, realizing it is all God’s purpose. Maybe those words were for me and Grace and God only. When bobby got home he had Grace with him, she is cradled in the most beautiful urn I have ever seen. You should see this urn, it's so beautiful. A baby angel on a cloud, praying. She has one cheek slightly puffier than the other, peaceful sleeping eyes and the most serene look on her face... just like our baby Grace.
This last week has been such a rollercoaster. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry; I always go with whatever emotion I am feeling – not holding or hiding anything. That is the only “honest” way I can cope with this. I cry, but I can’t cry hard enough. I scream, but I can’t scream loud enough. I pound on my pillows but I can’t seem to get rid of the hurt & anger I have inside. I talk to her and smell the blankies that held her at the hospital, but it doesn’t fill my empty arms. I pray, but I can’t pray long enough to say “I am ok with this God, Grace is yours”… not yet. But I will continue to do all these things and whatever else comes to me as I, as we, begin healing. Sometimes, laughter is the only thing I feel… when Bobby handed Grace to me in her precious urn I said what came to my mind “Well Grace, I must say, you’ve put on a little weight”. I could joke only because I am at peace, my girl is home; her body with us and her spirit in heaven.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Daddy Shedd
Well...I've never commented on this before. Kim gave birth to our daughter Grace last night at 8:32pm. Once they induced her, Kim was a natural at dialating and giving birth in like 3 or 4 hours(there's nothing my wife isn't great at!) Kim was so strong.
Grace was not a live birth, it felt like she was simply asleep though. I talked to Grace as the nurses and I tried to clean her. Let Grace know how happy I was to meet her and told her how pretty she was. She was so at Peace...
Kim and I spent the night with Grace in our room. I got to help her frail little body pose for pictures at 1am with 2 nurses in a little room. Her left hand felt so compltely alive. I really thought she was clenching my fingers. (She had no defects on... the outside except 6 toes on each foot.) Crazy that it made me feel like I was missing a toe or something. Her poor little organs just didnt work.
Figure I better start talking about these things sooner or later or the stress is going to kill me...starting with my neck. I really feel that Grace wanted to pass away without us watching, to keep that visual from her mother and I. When we did finally get to meet her, instead of watching suffering, we just got to spend time. I love her so much and already miss her.
Grace was not a live birth, it felt like she was simply asleep though. I talked to Grace as the nurses and I tried to clean her. Let Grace know how happy I was to meet her and told her how pretty she was. She was so at Peace...
Kim and I spent the night with Grace in our room. I got to help her frail little body pose for pictures at 1am with 2 nurses in a little room. Her left hand felt so compltely alive. I really thought she was clenching my fingers. (She had no defects on... the outside except 6 toes on each foot.) Crazy that it made me feel like I was missing a toe or something. Her poor little organs just didnt work.
Figure I better start talking about these things sooner or later or the stress is going to kill me...starting with my neck. I really feel that Grace wanted to pass away without us watching, to keep that visual from her mother and I. When we did finally get to meet her, instead of watching suffering, we just got to spend time. I love her so much and already miss her.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Thank God for Kona Grill
Today is Thursday, I am sitting on my couch - no lights, no TV, Max is curled up in his doggie bed and bobby is asleep in ours. Any other Thursday I would be at work but this Thursday is delivery day! ... hopefully! We weren't supposed to induce until 11/2 but God had other plans.
Tuesday I went to my doctor for a check in my blood pressure. I usually run about 103/63 and the Monday before last I was at 120/78 so they asked me to stop in some day this week for another read. I wasn't worried at all; especially since our little Grace's heartbeat was 151 and very strong. When I got to the doctor on Tuesday I asked them if we could listen to Grace's heartbeat on the doppler. My mom had tried to get it on the stethoscope Monday and couldn't find it; so she did. Nurse Tara is her name, she has been great throughout this entire pregnancy. Tara held the doppler and tried to find Grace's heart...over and over, switching locations each time. When she had no luck she called our Doctor, Dr. Ponkey, and asked if we should do an ultrasound. I called Bobby to come down to the office. While I was waiting for Bobby in the ultrasound room I held to my tummy, rocking back and forth, singing "pretty baby, pretty baby, pretty baby, oh pretty girl" Grace loves that one, she hears it everyday. Michelle, the U/S tech came in once bobby got there and we started. The very first image that came up on the screen was Grace's heart, but I had to ask to make sure because this time it looked different it was still. Our little girl had gone to be with Jesus.
Next we waited while the nurses called Doctor Ponkey and the OB Doctor office that was handling the delivery. They told us that since the tests run on me came back fine we could go home and wait for the OB office to call us Wednesday morning to schedule and appointment that day and begin the inducing process.
Wednesday morning came and by 930 we hadn't heard anything from the OB office. I called them to schedule the appointment and when the lady on the phone asked the reason for our visit I had to tell her "we had an ultrasound appt. yesterday and our baby doesn't have a heartbeat so we need to schedule an appt. & be induced" she proceeded to make the appointment for 1140 and when she was hanging up she said "I hope you and the baby are healthy"... I thought nothing of it except that she must say that everytime she hangs up. When we checked in at our appt. I asked if they had all our information and knew why we were there; they said yes and I sat down. When they called us back they took my weight and asked "and you're feeling baby move ok?" I looked at her completely puzzled and said "no, no baby is not moving fine" at that same time Bobby asked "do you have idea why we are here", she said nothing. We went into the exam room and we explained the situation and she said "it would've been nice if someone called us - we had no idea" I told her that the Doctor had called on Tuesday and when noone called us I too called and explained it when making the appt and confirmed it at the front desk. She said "well, we had no idea - that's what happens when you change care providers during your pregnancy". I assume she is referring to when we moved to Doctor Ponkey after we found out Grace had Trisomy 13 which we did only because their office called us and cancelled all future appointments saying that we would miscarry before long and it could all be taken care of ourselves, at home. We didn't accept that and went to Doctor Ponkey for help, she took us in. That is a story for another time though...
Once the doctor came in she explained that the hospital was full and would try to work us in somewhere but we really should've scheduled the induction beforehand. She called over to Mercy Gilbert, our delivery hospital, and they made room for us. We had visited before and they knew to expect us sometime soon.
We made it home and started packing for the hospital. We decided to go have one "last supper" since the Doctor told us that the hospital would "starve" me once they started inducing. We ended up a Kona Grill. Bobby, his mom, my mom and I had a nice big meal at Kona Grill. I ate my fair share of a vegas roll and had chicken tacos - the food was delicious and I was pleasantly full. We headed to the hospital.
The ride to the hospital was bittersweet. We listened to the new Five for Fighting CD and happened to be hearing a song about "Hope". There was lots of joy. There was lots of tears. All caught on video, thank you daddy :) We checked in and were in our cush room in 20 minutes. I was amazed. Nice bed, fold out couch, they even switched on the slider chair for a recliner we had seen in another room on a prior visit. I thought "this is perfect" as I was changing into the super cute designer hospital gown I bought online :) The nurse came in and started the I.V., they took blood and we started all the paperwork. They also did an ultrasound to find out baby's position and they discovered she was breech. The Nurse told us that when we met the Doctor she would explain our options.
We meet the Doctor around 5pm. She came in and introduced herself and explained that since she was breech we could try "aversion" but most likely we would need a c-section. We expressed how much we did not want a c-section and that up to this point had been told there was no way we would be offered one since Grace was expected to pass away shortly after birth. The doctor posed some rather gory and suspiciously inconceivable scenarios that led us to believe a) she wasn't equipped to handle a normal delivery for a breech pre-term demise baby and b) she wasn't willing to seek out other OB's within the same practice who were. We were against the c-section, Bobby more so than me and the Doctor couldn't seem to grasp why telling us she didn't know why we didn't want a c-section "the aversion will take 20 minutes and we will do it in the O.R. so that we can do the c-section right away. The c-section will been done within 30 minutes and you will be all done in an hour". We were all shocked. A process that they have been telling us will take days and this Doctor is saying I can have you out in an hour. The nurse asked us when the last time we ate was and I said 330; the nurse and doctor looked at us disappointed and said "that's the worst thing you could've done" I explained that the Doctor had told us to eat well and they said "yeah, if you were having a normal delivery...now we can't do the c-section until 930". THANK GOD FOR KONA GRILL.
Everything was happening so fast and I didn't feel comfortable there, in that hosptial, with that Doctor. Now we had some time to process everything they were telling us. They brought in the authorization form for the aversion and as I was reading it I saw that it said "aversion and possible c-section" I asked her why they included both on the same consent form since we told them we weren't agreeing to a c-section. She said that the doctor said to put them on the same form and asked me if I would rather have them on different form. Um, yeah! I would like them on different forms. We signed the form for aversion only and the nurse said we would start around 8pm.
We were just beside ourselves with the events and though I was pretty cam, Bobby was not. He is bound and determined to have nothing but the best for "my girls". He called Doctor Ponkey who was adament that normal deliveries happen all the time for situations exactly like ours but it does take patience on the hospital and doctors part. She wanted to talk to the Doctor so Bobby left the room, in search of the Doctor. He came back and said that the Doctor had gone home on a break so Dr. Ponkey talked to the Nurse and said to have the Doctor call her. That's the last we heard so we sat around waiting for the aversion. It was me, Bobby, my parents, Bobby's mom, aunt and dear Grandma Taylor in the room.
At 7pm the Nurse came back in and said "do you know what's going on" I said "waiting for the aversion at 8pm", she asked the family members to step out. She explained that Doctor Ponkey and the delivery Doctor spoke and the delivery Doctor said she, nor anyone in her group, were comfortable trying to deliver the baby normally. Doctor Ponkey said that she will get us in at another hospital tomorrow (Thursday). So, they removed the IV and I changed into normal clothes, we packed our things, and went home. As we walked out the Nurse's station was staring at all of us. It was quite the experience.
So here I am sitting on the couch, still no lights - no TV, Max is outside now and Bobby is probably going to wake up soon. My best friend Christina will be here soon, she flew in this morning from San Diego. We are going to wait for the call and see if we can try this all over again today. We are so thankful that we weren't rushed into anything yesterday and we know that God has a plan and everything works out according to it.
We will keep you posted. Please keep us in your prayers.
Tuesday I went to my doctor for a check in my blood pressure. I usually run about 103/63 and the Monday before last I was at 120/78 so they asked me to stop in some day this week for another read. I wasn't worried at all; especially since our little Grace's heartbeat was 151 and very strong. When I got to the doctor on Tuesday I asked them if we could listen to Grace's heartbeat on the doppler. My mom had tried to get it on the stethoscope Monday and couldn't find it; so she did. Nurse Tara is her name, she has been great throughout this entire pregnancy. Tara held the doppler and tried to find Grace's heart...over and over, switching locations each time. When she had no luck she called our Doctor, Dr. Ponkey, and asked if we should do an ultrasound. I called Bobby to come down to the office. While I was waiting for Bobby in the ultrasound room I held to my tummy, rocking back and forth, singing "pretty baby, pretty baby, pretty baby, oh pretty girl" Grace loves that one, she hears it everyday. Michelle, the U/S tech came in once bobby got there and we started. The very first image that came up on the screen was Grace's heart, but I had to ask to make sure because this time it looked different it was still. Our little girl had gone to be with Jesus.
Next we waited while the nurses called Doctor Ponkey and the OB Doctor office that was handling the delivery. They told us that since the tests run on me came back fine we could go home and wait for the OB office to call us Wednesday morning to schedule and appointment that day and begin the inducing process.
Wednesday morning came and by 930 we hadn't heard anything from the OB office. I called them to schedule the appointment and when the lady on the phone asked the reason for our visit I had to tell her "we had an ultrasound appt. yesterday and our baby doesn't have a heartbeat so we need to schedule an appt. & be induced" she proceeded to make the appointment for 1140 and when she was hanging up she said "I hope you and the baby are healthy"... I thought nothing of it except that she must say that everytime she hangs up. When we checked in at our appt. I asked if they had all our information and knew why we were there; they said yes and I sat down. When they called us back they took my weight and asked "and you're feeling baby move ok?" I looked at her completely puzzled and said "no, no baby is not moving fine" at that same time Bobby asked "do you have idea why we are here", she said nothing. We went into the exam room and we explained the situation and she said "it would've been nice if someone called us - we had no idea" I told her that the Doctor had called on Tuesday and when noone called us I too called and explained it when making the appt and confirmed it at the front desk. She said "well, we had no idea - that's what happens when you change care providers during your pregnancy". I assume she is referring to when we moved to Doctor Ponkey after we found out Grace had Trisomy 13 which we did only because their office called us and cancelled all future appointments saying that we would miscarry before long and it could all be taken care of ourselves, at home. We didn't accept that and went to Doctor Ponkey for help, she took us in. That is a story for another time though...
Once the doctor came in she explained that the hospital was full and would try to work us in somewhere but we really should've scheduled the induction beforehand. She called over to Mercy Gilbert, our delivery hospital, and they made room for us. We had visited before and they knew to expect us sometime soon.
We made it home and started packing for the hospital. We decided to go have one "last supper" since the Doctor told us that the hospital would "starve" me once they started inducing. We ended up a Kona Grill. Bobby, his mom, my mom and I had a nice big meal at Kona Grill. I ate my fair share of a vegas roll and had chicken tacos - the food was delicious and I was pleasantly full. We headed to the hospital.
The ride to the hospital was bittersweet. We listened to the new Five for Fighting CD and happened to be hearing a song about "Hope". There was lots of joy. There was lots of tears. All caught on video, thank you daddy :) We checked in and were in our cush room in 20 minutes. I was amazed. Nice bed, fold out couch, they even switched on the slider chair for a recliner we had seen in another room on a prior visit. I thought "this is perfect" as I was changing into the super cute designer hospital gown I bought online :) The nurse came in and started the I.V., they took blood and we started all the paperwork. They also did an ultrasound to find out baby's position and they discovered she was breech. The Nurse told us that when we met the Doctor she would explain our options.
We meet the Doctor around 5pm. She came in and introduced herself and explained that since she was breech we could try "aversion" but most likely we would need a c-section. We expressed how much we did not want a c-section and that up to this point had been told there was no way we would be offered one since Grace was expected to pass away shortly after birth. The doctor posed some rather gory and suspiciously inconceivable scenarios that led us to believe a) she wasn't equipped to handle a normal delivery for a breech pre-term demise baby and b) she wasn't willing to seek out other OB's within the same practice who were. We were against the c-section, Bobby more so than me and the Doctor couldn't seem to grasp why telling us she didn't know why we didn't want a c-section "the aversion will take 20 minutes and we will do it in the O.R. so that we can do the c-section right away. The c-section will been done within 30 minutes and you will be all done in an hour". We were all shocked. A process that they have been telling us will take days and this Doctor is saying I can have you out in an hour. The nurse asked us when the last time we ate was and I said 330; the nurse and doctor looked at us disappointed and said "that's the worst thing you could've done" I explained that the Doctor had told us to eat well and they said "yeah, if you were having a normal delivery...now we can't do the c-section until 930". THANK GOD FOR KONA GRILL.
Everything was happening so fast and I didn't feel comfortable there, in that hosptial, with that Doctor. Now we had some time to process everything they were telling us. They brought in the authorization form for the aversion and as I was reading it I saw that it said "aversion and possible c-section" I asked her why they included both on the same consent form since we told them we weren't agreeing to a c-section. She said that the doctor said to put them on the same form and asked me if I would rather have them on different form. Um, yeah! I would like them on different forms. We signed the form for aversion only and the nurse said we would start around 8pm.
We were just beside ourselves with the events and though I was pretty cam, Bobby was not. He is bound and determined to have nothing but the best for "my girls". He called Doctor Ponkey who was adament that normal deliveries happen all the time for situations exactly like ours but it does take patience on the hospital and doctors part. She wanted to talk to the Doctor so Bobby left the room, in search of the Doctor. He came back and said that the Doctor had gone home on a break so Dr. Ponkey talked to the Nurse and said to have the Doctor call her. That's the last we heard so we sat around waiting for the aversion. It was me, Bobby, my parents, Bobby's mom, aunt and dear Grandma Taylor in the room.
At 7pm the Nurse came back in and said "do you know what's going on" I said "waiting for the aversion at 8pm", she asked the family members to step out. She explained that Doctor Ponkey and the delivery Doctor spoke and the delivery Doctor said she, nor anyone in her group, were comfortable trying to deliver the baby normally. Doctor Ponkey said that she will get us in at another hospital tomorrow (Thursday). So, they removed the IV and I changed into normal clothes, we packed our things, and went home. As we walked out the Nurse's station was staring at all of us. It was quite the experience.
So here I am sitting on the couch, still no lights - no TV, Max is outside now and Bobby is probably going to wake up soon. My best friend Christina will be here soon, she flew in this morning from San Diego. We are going to wait for the call and see if we can try this all over again today. We are so thankful that we weren't rushed into anything yesterday and we know that God has a plan and everything works out according to it.
We will keep you posted. Please keep us in your prayers.
Friday, October 9, 2009
A Family like ours
Bobby and I prayed for Baby Jonathan's (see the Blog I follow) family last night and I went to bed wondering if they would get to meet their little boy. They are a family like ours, but a story all their own. I read this morning that they did indeed get 40 minutes with their little guy. Many emotions. Wondering if our story will be the same. Will we get 40 minutes or 4 minutes? 4 hours or 4 days? These are the things we wonder about everyday - not dreams of first words, kindergarten, college or grandkids. Very humbling to know how small we are in this big world but how unique we are in God's eyes. Just like Jonathan, Grace's life is precious - however long she is here. She already has such a routine; today I took a shower then did stretches, poor thing freaked out when I got in the shower - don't mess with a kid's routine; "You're doing it wrong mommy, stretch THEN shower, that's how it's supposed to go" is what it felt like she was saying with her tossing and turning.
We have 42 days until our due date, 24 days till the projected induce date. This weekend is filled with a facial for me, dentist for Bobby, baseball game for Riley, church & football on Sunday but it all starts tonight with date night for me and Bobby, we deserve it! You do too. Go out and enjoy your loved ones this weekend :)
We have 42 days until our due date, 24 days till the projected induce date. This weekend is filled with a facial for me, dentist for Bobby, baseball game for Riley, church & football on Sunday but it all starts tonight with date night for me and Bobby, we deserve it! You do too. Go out and enjoy your loved ones this weekend :)
Thursday, October 8, 2009
My First Blog Ever
I am officially "blogging". Today is a day of firsts, I even learned how to comment on a blog today... very proud of myself.
The reason I haven't blogged about our journey with Grace is simple - I don't want to cry everyday. And usually when I start to dig real deep into the feelings of this situation crying is the end result. When I am happy or sad, it manifests itself with tears. So today is just an introduction.
I am Kimberly Shedd (28), married to Bobby Shedd (31)since 7/19/2008. We have a son, Riley (6), who is super smart and a very good looking boy! I am pregnant with Grace, my first baby and our first baby together; she is due on 11/20/09. We have a 1 yr old boxer, Max, and he is a really great dog.
June 8th we went in for an Ultrasound to learn if we were having a boy or a girl. We learned it was a girl and also that she had many problems which led the Doctor to believe she had Trisomy 13 or 18. An Amniocentesis done on 6/30 confirmed she had full Trisomy 13.
The Doctor's have told us we wouldn't make it this far and here we are 7 1/2 months along. Grace has had some ups and downs. In fact, the week before Labor Day the Doctor basically said "I will see you in a few days" anticipating a miscarriage due to the umbilical cord flow to Grace stopping on the Ultrasound during offbeats. We didn't see the Doctor in the few days before Labor Day. When we did go back, for our routine visit, the "food flow" or umbilical cord flow to Grace had actually improved. That was our last Ultrasound. The next Ultrasound is scheduled for 10/26 and if all goes well we will start the inducing process 11/2...which means she share my birthday, 11/4. That would be such an honor and special bond to share with her!!
We appreciate the thoughts and prayers of everyone out there. This isn't easy, or necessarily hard, it is quite simply our blessing from God.
The reason I haven't blogged about our journey with Grace is simple - I don't want to cry everyday. And usually when I start to dig real deep into the feelings of this situation crying is the end result. When I am happy or sad, it manifests itself with tears. So today is just an introduction.
I am Kimberly Shedd (28), married to Bobby Shedd (31)since 7/19/2008. We have a son, Riley (6), who is super smart and a very good looking boy! I am pregnant with Grace, my first baby and our first baby together; she is due on 11/20/09. We have a 1 yr old boxer, Max, and he is a really great dog.
June 8th we went in for an Ultrasound to learn if we were having a boy or a girl. We learned it was a girl and also that she had many problems which led the Doctor to believe she had Trisomy 13 or 18. An Amniocentesis done on 6/30 confirmed she had full Trisomy 13.
The Doctor's have told us we wouldn't make it this far and here we are 7 1/2 months along. Grace has had some ups and downs. In fact, the week before Labor Day the Doctor basically said "I will see you in a few days" anticipating a miscarriage due to the umbilical cord flow to Grace stopping on the Ultrasound during offbeats. We didn't see the Doctor in the few days before Labor Day. When we did go back, for our routine visit, the "food flow" or umbilical cord flow to Grace had actually improved. That was our last Ultrasound. The next Ultrasound is scheduled for 10/26 and if all goes well we will start the inducing process 11/2...which means she share my birthday, 11/4. That would be such an honor and special bond to share with her!!
We appreciate the thoughts and prayers of everyone out there. This isn't easy, or necessarily hard, it is quite simply our blessing from God.
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