Grace - Happy Birth Day

Thursday October 15th is a day I will remember forever, a day that changed my life.
After the experience we had the day before at the first hospital we were to give birth at I woke up in my bed wondering if it had been a dream. I quickly realized it had not been, I was still pregnant though Grace was no longer moving in my tummy. What is strange about that is now, 15 days later, I lay in bed and still feel her kick me; the Doctor tells me this is normal.

My best friend Christina got to our house from the airport around 830 and our house started moving after the hours of silence I had been laying in. Bobby got up and hopped in the shower and while I was in the shower after that our Doctor called and said we were set up to deliver at Banner Desert with Dr. Lee.

We repacked the car and called our family and friends to let them know the new plans. Once everything was done we headed out for another “last supper”, our second in two days! This time I got to pick and chose Jason’s Deli (you San Diego dwellers are missing out on this place, it is AMAZING!)Luckily the deli was next to a Verizon store because this hospital did not have free wifi which was a growing concern for Bobby. Verizon hooked him up with some software that works through your phone, not sure of all the details but it was $5 so I was pleased and Bobby had his wireless internet hook up.

Banner Desert was great to us from the moment we checked in. The lobby was pretty empty and they got us into our room in no time. The room was specious but didn’t have the flat screen TV or movie selection the other hospital had. I didn’t mind though; I got to put on my “designer” delivery gown again. The one I got online. I am very frugal but Bobby convinced me to spend the $50 on the gown since whatever I was wearing was going to be what all the pictures we have will show me in. I imagined the drab blue gown and how drowned out my place would already be after delivery and decided on a bright pink gown with lots of colorful swirly thingy’s. You’ll see it once we have pictures; I thought I was so cool.

Nurse Dana Bennett (I use her whole name because that was the name of a dear friend of mine when I was growing up!) came into our room and checked us in. She then brought in Dr Lee, she was incredible. They told us if Grace was still breech they would be able to go in there and maneuver her around. They also said that we’d do an ultrasound to see what type of breech position she was in. The feet down would require the maneuvering but if she was butt they could deliver her that way. Our U/S tech, Kim, was great and once she confirmed Grace was butt down she continued the U/S and let us see her face and body, something they didn’t do on Tuesday when they confirmed there was no heartbeat. I guess they think it is hard for mommy to see the U/S once baby is in heaven. Kim gave us pictures of the U/S and we went back to our room thankful that she was in the butt first position.

We had checked in around 1230, after the U/S and meet/greet the Doctor’s it was around 2pm and they started the inducing medicine. They gave me a pill (not orally)  that would start contractions (Cidatech, not sure on the spelling though); they said they would repeat it every 4 hours. As I lay there I started thanking God for bringing us to this safe place, this hospital had put my mind at ease. I was so scared at the other one and just thought, well this is what happens when you give birth, I guess. Not true! Once I was settled in here I was in total peace, THANK YOU GOD!

Soon enough the family started rolling in and we started unpacking all the goodies we brought including: a tub of licorice, chips, chex mix, homemade cookies, big bag mixes of sweet candy (sweet tarts, laffy taffy, etc.) and another of chocolate candy (m&m’s, kit kat’s, twix, snickers, etc.), granola bars and more! I can’t remember it all right now. It was like a family reunion, everyone starting to mingle with each other. My dad finally returned from the airport with my wonderful sister Melissa, I was so happy!! Around 5pm I got up and walked around with my mom. I think everyone knew we were coming from room 15, the one with the rose on the door which identified our situation for the Nurses; as we walked the halls we heard lots of laughter coming from each of the rooms. My mom started to cry. I would’ve cried too if I wasn’t preoccupied with thoughts of “I wonder if these nurses like my gown”  I may sound silly or shallow but I think it was a defense mechanism for me… and I really did want them to admire my gown. Finally on our way back to the room a pregnant nurse was walking by and told me she liked my gown. “sweet!” I thought. I told her where to get it online, I was very proud.

At 630 Nurse Dana came in and introduced Nurse Wendy who would be taking over for her. We also met Dr. Kimbro who was taking over for Dr. Lee, she was also wonderful. They found I was dilated to 2 cm and inserted another pill and said the contractions should get stronger now. Nurse Dana predicted we would deliver by midnight even though Dr. Lee said it COULD take a day or two. Dana was right about one thing, the contractions started coming right away, and fast.
I stopped watching the contraction machine when the monitor reached 80 (on a scale of 1-100) and never got below 50. The contractions weren’t too bad as far as severity but the frequency was unbearable; about 45 sec. from start of one to start of the next and each lasted about 30 seconds. My mom was coaching me and she was AWESOME! She would rub the spot between my eyebrows since I was tensing up there and then during the contractions she would like me in the eyes and coach my breathing about 2 inches from my face all the while holding my hold and pinching a pressure point around my thumb. I was getting one deep cleansing breath in between contractions and then they would start again. They were pretty intense and my body wouldn’t stop shivering. Perfect time for visitors, right?  Our Pastor came in and chatted with us and prayed with us. He was there for quite some time. All I remember thinking was “I am in so much pain and his arm muscles look huge, and painful” I just wanted him to cover his arms, just looking at his muscles made me feel pain. It is kinda funny looking back on it but at the time I was just thinking “just these painful arms out of here”..I didn’t express those thoughts out loud!

Pastor left around 7:30 and I was ready for some epidural. The Nurse asked me the pain number and I said 4…luckily she took the liberty of marking down 10 so we could get moving. So there my mom is helping through every contraction, which was really one HUGE contraction. And now, bobby’s mom was on the opposite side holding my other hand. The IV was in that hand and so the bag that was administering the drip was going in slowly. She was holding my hand in a funny was and then she told me “I know this is uncomfortable but look at that bag… that WHOLE bag has to be in your body before they will give you the epidural… this position is the way to get it in the fastest” Thank God for Debbie and my Mom… the best mom’s in the world!! We decided to have the epidural since she was breech and we weren’t sure if they would have to go in and maneuver her once she started coming out. Dr. Isaac came in and gave me the epidural at 7:54pm. I think he is the best Doctor in the entire world, Dr. feel good  Within 15 minutes I was feeling MUCH better. Now I could try to watch the Dodger game again! Nurse Wendy checked me again around 815 and said, you are at 5cm with a full bag of water…let me know when your water breaks. Within 10 minutes I felt a big water balloon burst and declared “we have breakage” when I called the Nurses station.

Nurse Wendy came in and said “yes, your water broke AND you are 10cm!”. Wow, I thought. She told me I would begin to feel pressure but not to push. I told her “I feel pressure” she said that it would increase and I said “No, I feel a lot of pressure…I think she is coming” she looked down and said “oh yeah, she’s coming”. She rushed out and came back in with Dr. Kimbro. They began preparing for delivery. The put the stirrup thingy’s on the bed and they were probably 2 ½ feet in the air, I thought “wow, what an odd position” but said “ok, here we go” and lifted my legs into them. That when Nurse Wendy said “No, no, those come down.. I am just hooking them in first” Oops! We got positioned and were ready…I was so excited. Dr. Kimbro said she’d tell me when to push and she did. It was took 3 pushes and the loud declaration “8:32pm” broke the silence. They lifted Grace onto my tummy and there she was, perfection. All the beauty of heaven in the face of a baby, my little angel. I didn’t see the skin that had come off at first, somehow my eyes missed it. The room was completely silent except for sniffles, eerie but soothing.

Bobby cut the cord and it took a couple more pushes to get the placenta out. I guess it was a little harder to get it out because when they tried to use the umbilical cord to ease the placenta out it broke off from it; how Grace was able to feed off of something so fragile for so long is truly amazing and a testament of God’s Grace. I handed her over to her Daddy and we held and loved on her for so long. Daddy took her over to the warming table but not to be warmed. He worked with all the nurses to clean her up and dress her. Angelina from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep was taking pictures and we started passing her around. Everyone got to hold her, she really looked like an angel. Angelina took as many pictures as she could and then had to go to another hospital for another delivery of a baby who had passed away, how she does this I will never know… she is incredible!

We want to thank EVERYONE who was there with us: My mom (best coach ever!) and Dad, Bobby’s mom (without you I wouldn’t have had a chance to get the epidural!), Christina (for being my best friend and videographer!), My sister Melissa (who flew out from Minneapolis to be here, sweetest most loving sister ever!), Bobby’s Grandma Taylor and Aunt Sue (who, with Bobby’s Mom, made ALL THREE DRESSES Grace wore!), Bobby’s sister and bro- in-law Tonya & Jed, bobby’s Brother Michael, my brother Jonathan (your letter to Grace was sooo precious!), Maybeth (the foot massage, watching kids and the footprints, thanks!!), Pastor Bush (you didn’t have to come, a lot of pastors wouldn’t have, we are lucky to have you as ours!), Nurses Dana, Wendy, Raquel and Cheryl, Doctors Lee, Isaac and Kimbro. I just know I am forgetting people but you are still in my heart…know that at the time I was grateful to each and every one, even if I can’t recall it now!!

After Grace’s pictures they worked on her a little more, Bobby was quite the plastic surgeon! At one point, he was at the table with Grace and was overcome and started crying, he felt someone consoling him and assumed it was his mom. When he turned around he saw that it was Dr. Kimbro! She had stayed in the room and was there consoling us. This is just one of the many ways the entire staff at Banner Desert wrapped their arms around us and cared for us. In fact, once everyone had gone Bobby and I went to the cafeteria to eat. On our way back we ran into Dr. Kimbro and we said thanks and said something about “you guys are experts at this you deal with this everyday” and Dr. Kimbro replied something like “we do our best but we don’t deal with this everyday; we’ve never met you or your baby before”. It hit us; she really cares.

She slept with us that night. During the night Bobby went with the Nurses to take pictures in a little room in the L/D unit. When we woke up there was a plaster circle with her hand and footprints, we were so excited. We had tried to get molds of her hands and feet but her little skin kept coming off. The Nurses have learned to use playdoh instead, they got perfect molds… we treasure it.

In the Morning, Papa Rohn, Bobby’s Dad, came to see her. We had just seen him the Sunday before when he prayed a blessing on us. Bobby’s Grandma Shedd came too. My mom’s dear friend Bernadine came as well. It was a great time. Riley, our 6 year old, finally got there to meet his little sister too. We went to the lobby to talk with him and then we walked him in to the room. He had already decided that he wanted to meet her, even though she was already in heaven. When we approached her bassinet he asked “Is she dead?” “Yes, she is dead” “Okay” he said. He climbed up to see her and after the initial shock he became curious. He asked about her skin and we explained that it didn’t hurt her, she got the scrapes after she was already in heaven. Then we asked if him to remember a scab he has had before. They look like they hurt but they don’t and it’s hard to remember the pain of getting hurt once you already have the scab because the pain is gone. He asked “what do we do now”…”we say goodbye”, he said “okay”. We directed him to her 6 toes so that he didn’t focus only on her skin… He eyes were as wide as I have ever seen when I said “Riley, count her toes” “I, 2, 3, 4, 5….6!?!?!” he was amazed!

Although I don’t think anyone is interested in the funeral home stuff I have to share because the hospital was once again amazing. When we called the funeral home to come pick her up they arranged it with the hospital to be able to pick her up directly from our room; she would never have to visit the morgue. This was unheard of but the hospital was glad to oblige. It involved security and their dog along with a lot of extra paperwork but none of them complained.
Once it was time to say good bye all the family held and kissed her and whispered special things to her. Then they went to the lobby and waited for us. Bobby and I spent a good amount of time in the hospital room just the three of us. We held her, kissed her, cried on her, loved on her, talked to her and changed for the last time. We prayed together and then I danced with her…she always loved music and dancing! For whatever reason the song that came to me was “you make me feel like dancing, I want to dance the night away”. We kept talking to her and crying and laughing and kissing; even after the funeral home came. Chris from Bunkers was incredible. She had met with us weeks prior when we were making the arrangements and she personally came to pick her up. She wrapped Grace in green blanket , the color we had picked out for her bedroom; and then she carried her out. Suddenly, it was just me and Bobby. We spent a good amount of time together in the room; private, intimate moments that I know strengthened the bond we share forever.

We love our sweet baby girl and we miss her terribly. We are learning how to deal with the loss of a child; something we never imagined going through. God is carrying us through this and we are finding strength in each other. Our first grief counseling is Monday night. Today we go to the hospital to pick up the pictures they took during the night while I was asleep. Every day is filled with thoughts of our little girl but not as many tears now. I am sure there will be good and bad days, Monday will be the day we were going to induce, had she been born alive. We firmly believe that God allowed this to happen to us for a purpose. Grace was so perfect on the outside that had she been born alive, I don’t know that I would’ve been able to handle watching her slip away.

Grace Debbie Shedd was absolutely beautiful. Born October 15th, 2009 at 8:32pm weighing in at 3lbs 4oz 15” long. She had sandy blond/brown hair over ½ inch long and her nails were so long she they gave her a mani/pedi (including the 6th toe on each foot).We got to spend so much time with her. I got to sing every song I know to her and kiss every precious part of her body. I made sure to do it in a rhythm and with my eyes shut too so that I would be able to kiss pictures of her in the same rhythm, eyes shut, and hope to recapture the moment.

I am reading a book that the hospital gave us and there is a quote from Abraham Lincoln, one of my favorite orators, who also lost 3 kids. He said:
In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all…It comes with bitterest agony… perfect relief is not possible, except with time.
You cannot now realize that you will ever feel better…and yet this is a mistake.
You are sure to be happy again.
To know this, which is certainly true, will make you become less miserable now.
I have experienced enough to know what I say.