I will blog eventually about the day grace was born. I did write it out the other day for 2 1/2 hours only to find the blog was lost when I hit post...I was so sad but I will write it again, just not today.
Today I want to recap the last 10 days, since October 15th, when Grace was born.
Friday 10/16 - We got home from the hospital around 1:30 and we were exhausted. Tried to sleep, Bobby crashed on our bed and I waas on the couch. I got about 20 minutes of sleep, Bobby got several hours. Joe & Carla, friends who lost their son earlier this year, brought us dinner.
Saturday 10/17 - After sleeping a total of 2 hours I was laying in bed thinking about my little girl. I decided to get up and clean. I didn't get very far in the hours I was cleaning so I decided to see what my mom and sister were doing; I figured they'd be shopping. Bobby was sleeping when I left, I think he has it figured out. I laid in bed listening to him watch movies in the living room until 430 so by the time he came to bed he fell right asleep, I laid in bed listening to him breathe until I got out of bed at 6am. My mom, sister and I went to Costco and ran into a guy I worked with, he was holding his little girl. Within 10 seconds of talking to him is little girl looked at me, reached her arms out and shifted out of her daddy's arms into mine. She squeezed my neck as hard as she could and laid on my shoulder; I'd never met her before. Maybe she could see Grace with me? maybe she could see a mommy in pain? Don't know but I DO know that god knew I needed the touch of an innocent child and He gave it to me.
Sunday 10/18 - I finished cleaning my house which brought me more, or possibly less, satisfaction than it usually does... I can't figure out which, my feelings are confusing me these days. My boss, Lisa, came over and brought us lunch. It was just what we needed. Michelle, my older other fabulous sister, flew in today. We all went to my parents house for dinner and a time of baking.
Monday 10/19 - Today is a day that I am excited for. My sister, mom and I baked brownies and cookies, we are delivering them to our specialist, Dr. Ponkey, and to the hospital. We visited with both offices for a good amount of time. At Dr. Ponkey's she assured us not to worry about future pregnancies saying "the odds of another trisomy baby for you are 1 in 100" that wasn't reassuring at all but I quickly tried to think positively and said "none of the odds you give us start with 2 in ..., so I guess we are good since we already got our 1". When we got to the hospital I had butterflies, I was excited, it was a place of great happiness for me - the place I met my daughter. I suppose many mothers wouldn't want to return to the hospital so soon, if ever, after losing a baby there…maybe I am not handling this right, I thought… but I couldn’t help it, I would’ve stayed there and sat in the garden next to the Labor/Delivery wing for hours.
Tuesday 10/20 – Yesterday was great but nothing compared to the excitement I am feeling today. Today I get to go to the funeral home and see my girl, one last time. Words can’t explain my excitement, must be how a mom feels who is waiting to see her son come home from deployment or her daughter after a surgery, I don’t know for sure. I have a skip in my step and nothing can bring me down. We got to see Grace at 2pm. The funeral home director, Chris, met with us first and prepared us for what we were asking to do. She explained that Grace looked very different from the hospital and asked “are you SURE you want to do this?” I couldn’t understand why she was asking this “of course I want to see her, she’s my baby!” She asked if we had any questions and I had only one. “Can I hold her?” I don’t know why I asked because I would’ve done it whatever her answer was. She said I could and off we went. The door to the viewing room opened and across the room was a little white bassinet. I would’ve run up to it if I had the guts, but I walked to it and peeked inside and there she was, my beautiful angel. I immediately started talking to her “Hi, sweet baby” “mommy’s here” “you look so good baby, so beautiful” a flood of emotions came out through soft words meant for just me, daddy and my girl. I was holding her in a rocking chair and my family came in to say goodbye. My sister Michelle finally got to hold her niece; I was finally content knowing my sisters both got to spend some time with her. Grace looked great dressed in the last of the three dresses Bobby’s Mom, Grandma Taylor and Aunt Sue made and she looked just like she was asleep; the funeral home did an amazing job. My family spent some time then left bobby and I to say our goodbyes. We cried and laughed and I danced with her one last time all across the room. It was a time I will cherish forever. I was on a cloud the rest of the day, so happy to have been with my girl.
Wednesday 10/21 – I went with my mom to her eye Doctor appointment and when I came home Bobby had our entire yard landscaped. He knew how much I wanted this done and it was another example of how much he loves me and knows just how to express it in a way that means so much to me!
Thursday 10/22 – Today Michelle, mom and I had pedicures then we ran errands all day. I was a day of “normalcy”; I am not sure how that makes me feel. My family came over for dinner, my dad cooked steak and we made rice & carrots to go along with it. Although it was a great dinner they came over for a special reason… it 8:32pm we celebrated Grace’s birth, exactly a week after she was born. We had a chocolate cake with white frosting my little sister Melissa made. The pink icing declared “Grace Debbie Shedd 10-15-09 3lbs 4oz 15inches”. There was a single candle lit for Grace that bobby and I blew out together. It was bittersweet moment, again laughing and crying. We made the cake because my mom had made a cake for each one of her children when we were born; it’s a tradition I want to carry on.
Friday 10/23 – Michelle is on her way back home today. I am alone in the house. Bobby and my dad went to the crematory to see Grace off. Bobby is the best dad ever. It wasn’t easy, I know, but he protected Grace for her entire time on this earth. He made sure she was born into the world in the right environment and he made sure I was daddy’s hands that delivered her into her final resting place. I was at home writing a blog for 2 ½ hours, which was lost when I tried to post it; I was devastated. I called Bobby right away and he was so sad that he couldn’t hold me right then, as I was crying uncontrollably. I got over it quickly, realizing it is all God’s purpose. Maybe those words were for me and Grace and God only. When bobby got home he had Grace with him, she is cradled in the most beautiful urn I have ever seen. You should see this urn, it's so beautiful. A baby angel on a cloud, praying. She has one cheek slightly puffier than the other, peaceful sleeping eyes and the most serene look on her face... just like our baby Grace.
This last week has been such a rollercoaster. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry; I always go with whatever emotion I am feeling – not holding or hiding anything. That is the only “honest” way I can cope with this. I cry, but I can’t cry hard enough. I scream, but I can’t scream loud enough. I pound on my pillows but I can’t seem to get rid of the hurt & anger I have inside. I talk to her and smell the blankies that held her at the hospital, but it doesn’t fill my empty arms. I pray, but I can’t pray long enough to say “I am ok with this God, Grace is yours”… not yet. But I will continue to do all these things and whatever else comes to me as I, as we, begin healing. Sometimes, laughter is the only thing I feel… when Bobby handed Grace to me in her precious urn I said what came to my mind “Well Grace, I must say, you’ve put on a little weight”. I could joke only because I am at peace, my girl is home; her body with us and her spirit in heaven.
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Kim,...it is seems so surreal to read what you wrote. I lived it with you, but it seems like I'm reading someone else's story. I sit with Grace's picture just above my computer screen, on the wall, and can't believe she has come and gone. yet, she will never truly be gone. We will always cherishe the months you carried Grace. In the limited way that she could, she communicated to us so much about herself. If we had not known of her trisomy, we might have missed getting to know her. The ultrasounds gave us even more information about her personality, as we watched her playing inside of you. Life just doesn't seem like it will ever be normal again, and it will never be the same again. I go from being sadd that I will never get to watch Grace grow up, and all that means, to joy and even envy that she is now experiencing the awesomeness of heaven, and forever with Jesus. I find myself really tired, for no reason. I think the body is beginning to unwind from all the emotions and stress of the past four months. Most of all, I feel so helpless in being able to comfort you,my precious daughter, as you walk this path. Then I remember, that I gave you the best gift ever, Jesus. You dad and I raised you to know the giver of peace, comfort, healer of the brokenhearted, and we dedicated you to Him, to care for, when you were five days old, actually, from the moment we knew I was pregnant with you. So, even though the future will have many bumps and bends in the road, Jesus, who promised never to leave or forsake us, has His arms wrapped around you and Bobby, and He will carry you through this time. We will always be here to support you, cry with you, love you, and most of all, pray for and with you. We have asked God for many things over the past months. One thing I constantly prayed for and believed for, was that God would completely heal Grace before she was born, because we knew with the physical defects in her body, she could never survive outside of the womb. For only a brief moment, I felt that God had not answered that prayer, which was okay, because His ways are always perfect, but then I realized that He totally answered that prayer. Grace was completely healed before she was born. Not quite the way I had hoped for, but we do know that now, in heaven she is made whole and complete, and that there is no pain, suffering, tears, or sickness. She is healed and one day, we will be reunited with her, in heaven. I don't know exactly how or when that will happen, but I wonder if Jesus himself will bring her to you, place her in your arms, and say "well done thou good and faithful servant." You chose life for Grace, not death, as some would have done, and because of that, I do believe you will have the privilege of sharing eternity with Grace, in heaven. Till then, God has a further purpose for you here. Be diligent to fulfill that purpose.You have so much love and hope to share others. Always remember your strength comes from the Lord.
ReplyDeleteKim, thank you for sharing your emotion; confusing, raw, beautiful emotion. My heart breaks for you, and rejoices with you. Your moms words are so touching. Praise God for family and faith. And for Grace.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing such a wonderful job of allowing yourself to experience every emotion in this experience. I have these words saved from an email a friend of mine sent after her son died in the womb after a fatal diagnosis. I've been wanting to share them with you.
ReplyDelete"We can't pretend to see His hand, but we are desperately clinging to Him because we know He is the only way through this kind of hurt and pain."
She also commented one time that when you experience something so devastating, you either choose to run from God or run to him.
I'm so glad you and Bobby are running to him.
i'm so glad you got to spend one last time with your precious baby girl. what a beautiful moment to treasure. your mom's comment above is so true... how blessed you are to have such a wonderful family and support system. praying for you and your family!
ReplyDeletelove,
lauren